My Story

This is my cancer story, well as I remember it…when I was about 4 years old I was always getting sick, I bruised where most kids wouldn't even be phased.  I just wasn't myself-I was always outgoing and loved to go and do stuff, I became clingy to my parents & didn't even want to stay at my grandparents house.  That is when my parents took me to my pediatrician to find out what was going on.  After nothing obvious appeared in an exam, blood work was done & my blood cell count came back really off.  I was almost immediately sent to the Children's hospital of Philadelphia, where they discovered I had leukemia.  This is where things become blurry in my head, I only remember bits and pieces—probably only the significant events.  I remember being in the hospital and my mom staying with me while my dad had to go back home to return to work. I remember my Dad's work (the Bethlehem Steel) taking collections and sending me care baskets.  (We lived about an hour outside of Philadelphia).  I remember having so many IV's that the nurses could no longer find the veins in my arms and I had to then have them in the bottom of my foot.  That is about all I remember of my hospital stay.  I don't really know how long I was in the hospital, I remember going home and having to return every week at first, and dreading the hour ride to the hospital because once I got there I knew what was in store for me—the dreaded spinal tap.  Lying on my side in fetal position while I was stuck in the back by a huge needle to make sure that my Leukemia did not spread into my spinal cord—that is a feeling that I will NEVER forget.  I cried or should I say screamed until I literally wore myself out and fell asleep. While I was at home I was on a variety of medicines & remember that I was always SOOOO hungry & ate everything in sight!  My hair thinned & I remember having to get my long, blonde hair cut short so that it was easier to take care of for my mom.  The visits to the hospital slowly got further apart, but still had to get those darn spinal taps.  I was unable to go back to pre-school for awhile since my immune system was weak, I couldn't risk getting sick.  I don't remember exactly how long it took for my Leukemia to go into remission, but I did get to go to regular kindergarten & that eventually we only went down to Philadelphia once a month. 

After awhile I was able to stop getting the spinal taps and then only had to get blood work done to check my cell count.  Eventually this was able to be done at a local oncologist.

Growing up, I never told anyone about being a cancer survivor—I think because I didn't want people to ask questions about it or to feel “different” than the other kids.  It wasn't until after college that I felt comfortable “telling my story” and really thinking about and trying to remember what I went through.  As you can see there are still lots of “holes” in my memory. 

I have had some long term side effects that I do believe are from the drugs & treatments that I had to have, I am REALLY, REALLY bad in math and problem solving. I cannot remember numbers or number sequences. I also believe that some of the lower back pain that I have is from the treatments that I had.  Luckily my reproductive organs were not affected by the radiation and I was able to have a child, a healthy child at that!! 

This is only half of my cancer story though.  Unfortunately cancer runs deep in my family.  When I was 14, it was mid-August and my family just got back from our annual Ocean City, MD vacation.  My mom wasn't feeling well, just the typical cough junk that goes around, so she thought.  After about a week and not getting any better she went to the doctor who said she had bronchitis, gave her the typical antibiotic and sent her on her way.  About a week or so later still no better, went back to the doctor & then diagnosed with Pneumonia, different medicine and back on her way.  By this time it was the end of September.  My Mom was not getting any better, in fact getting worse—a horrible cough, no appetite and in fact couldn't even eat or keep food down, constant exhaustion, severe weakness, and could barely talk.  At this point my mom couldn't even work, she was at home in bed, trying to take care of her Pneumonia.  At this point went back to the doctor who then performed some other tests and realized this wasn't Pneumonia, but cancer!  It was in her lungs, and had spread to her lymph nodes. She had been sick a month and a half and the cancer was able to aggressively spread.  She was immediately admitted to the hospital & we were able to have the same local doctor that treated me come in and work with my mom, which was comforting.  Immediately treatment was started and I don't think the prognosis was good (even though I don't think I was told this at the time).  I remember I was in the 9th grade and was going to school to try and keep some normalcy in my life.  I also had a 4 year old brother who didn't have a clue what was going on.  I remember one day as school dismissed my Aunt and Grandmother were waiting for me (this was not normal), my heart sank… they said it wasn't good, my dad was at the hospital.  I didn't know what that meant, what wasn't good- was she already dead, was she not going to make it—for a 14 year old this was all so confusing and happening all too fast.  They took me to my house and I lost it—she couldn't leave me, I needed my mom damn it!  My dad came home to pick me up & take me to the hospital, we were told she wasn't going to make it through the night. She was sedated to keep the tube down her throat and keep her out of pain.  I said my good byes, which I don't remember at all—but I do remember what she looked like, not my mom, not the mom I knew.  My dad took me to my grandparents and then went back to the hospital to stay with her until she passed, it was the middle of the night.  I really don't remember the next several days—but I do remember her funeral, it was funeral like no other.  It was a funeral that you would have thought a government official had died, you see my grandfather (my Moms dad) was a police captain and knew everyone in our city which in turn knew my mom.  The viewing line was so long the hours had to be extended to accommodate all the visitors.  The line snaked out the funeral home into the parking lot—nothing like I would have imagined!  The next day the burial was the same thing—everyone came to show there support and give condolences. 

I think I grieved, but only as a 14 year old, I never really thought about the future.  Everything happened so fast.  My mom was dead in 2 months!  To this day I don't know what my brother remembers about my mom or even her illness.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my mom or talk to her.  She was supposed to be there for my high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding, to see me buy my first house, to meet my husband, and to see her grandson born… but God had other plans, he knew I needed a guardian angel and that is what she is—my true angel.  For in fact she wasn't physically here for all those events, but she was here spiritually and I do accept that. 

My son knows about his grandma and knows about her in heaven and in fact at his young age of 3 asks questions quite frequently about her, which actually in a weird way is comforting, a little uncomfortable for me to think about answering or knowing how to answer in terms he will understand, but comforting that he actually has an interest in his grandma that he can't physically put his little mind nd thoughts around.

Cancer is a destructive, unpredictable disease.  You see there was no rhyme or reason as to why my cells mutated into cancer cells at my young age of 4.  I didn't fit into any of the risk categories and to this day I have no idea why God chose me to go down that path.  My mom smoked, very lightly and in fact hadn't smoked in 4 years (she quit when she got pregnant with my brother).  I despise tobacco companies and what they stand for.  I believe they get people “hooked” and then they fall into the trap of the nasty, disgusting habit of smoking.  There are people that have smoked A LOT more then her and live to be 95 with no cancer, but that isn't what God had in mind for her.  While I am not a religious person, I am spiritual in my own way and believe in God and Gods chosen path and that he works in mysterious ways.   He has made me a stronger person and I have learned that I want to tell my story to let people that might be going through what I went through to know there are bright days ahead or a success story out there among what might be all the doom and gloom of the moment.